Deciding to not be Defeated

My ex-husband and his father had written a letter to my chain of command in the military explaining, that a women's place is in the home and not on deployment. So with that I was honorably discharged. Now at home, I found sadess for my purpose was slowly defeated. Granted the fact that I had my own personal rewards of being a mother. But, my internal purpose had been defeated.

Shortly after I was discharged, my ex-husband's father was diagnosed with a very unbeatable cancer. So again they were persuasive in their letters, we were then reassigned to my ex-husband's home town. I packed up my family, my house, and I moved across the country in support fo my husband. I felt a part of me being left behind. Like I didn't have a say in the choices that were being made. More like the fact that I didn't matter.

The moment we moved to his hometown he forgot that he was a husband, a father, a soldier. He was so involved of living his high school dreams that he never returned home. The times he did return home we fought. Then he would leave. I wasn't allowed to find myself, to discover my inner being. I wasn't allowed to socialize, to work, to travel, to spend money. I wasn't allowed to put the children in daycare so that I could earn money.

On our anniversary, he had asked if he could go on a trip with his friends from high school. As a good wife I said go, have fun. I stayed home with the children, anticipating on what my gift would be. Four days passed and he had finially returned home. He didn't say anything, no gift, no appreciation, nothing. Crushed I went and hid in my room.

Within an hour he was gone again. Four hours later I recieved a text message stating, " can you believe we have been married this long? Did you ever see yourself with anyone like me?" Crushed I put the phone down and never looked at it again. I saw all these other people in my life living life, and I was just existing. I didn't matter. I had these two beautiful children who looked up to me and appreciated me, but they didn't understand how muh in my life I was just struggling to matter.

Two weeks past and my ex-husband moves out. He looks at me and said I just cannot be married to you any longer. Since you got out of the miltary you stopped living and won't do anything for yourself. I tried to reason with hime and explain the struggles that I had been faced with. Instead he said he needed a break. He packed up his things and he left. I was stranded in a state where I knew no one. I had my two children, and no car to drive.

He had litteraly brought me to his hometown to divorce me. I was now defeated, I had lost the only job in my life that made me feel successful, I lost the state I lived in that I loved, I lost my beautiful house when I moved. Now I have lost my husband. I sat for many days in the house I was living wondering how did it get to be like this? How do I pick up and move on?

Shortly after around Christmas time, while out with my children. We were at a store and my daughter asked me, how the automatic doors open, and how they open right before someone comes out, or goes in. (with it being christmas) I told her that they were using magic. I wishpered words in her ear. I said, "right before they get to the door they say in their minds, abra-k-dabra, all-a-kazoo, make this door open kaboo."

So she walked up to the doors and she repeated the words. however the door never opened. so I said we have to practice. So we said the words together again, and nothing happened. We moved closer to the doors. I said, "let's try this again!" together said the "magic" words. Just as we finished I stepped on the mat right infront of the doors. The doors opened. With delight my daughter laughed in surprise.

Just then a women walked out and saw the  joy on my daughters face and asked her why she was so happy. My daughter smiling from ear to ear said, because I made magic happen. Just at that time I realized that my daughter didn't understand or comprehend what was going on with mom and dad. But, in her little heart she clearly saw the struggles with her magic words. With a little determination she made magic happen.

When I returned home, I was served with divorce papers. Crushed I was so disappointed in myself. How did I fail this marriage, what magic words didn't I say? My heart sank. A couple of weeks later, I returned home from getting the children from school, and there was a forclosure notice on the door. the locks had been changed. Everything we owned was inside. I called my ex, who had informed me that he had stopped paying the mortage on the house two months prior to our anniversary.

I bundled the children up and I drove to a friends house. She let us play sleep over on her couch and spare room. Two days later, my car was repoed. Devisated I called my ex again where he had told me he completely stopped paying all the bills. Shortly after my phone was shut off. I was silent to the rest of the world. While this man who caused so much heartache, was living in a warm house driving my car that I had paid off while in the military, playing around while I was trying to figure out how to keep my children safe.

My friend was more than kind allowing me to stay as long as I wanted to or needed to. I was giving her the very small amount of money I was recieving from my VA benefits I had for rent. Shortly after of starting over, court procedures began. I lost my children becuase I wasn't in a stable living situation. The two beautiful smiling faces that made my magic happen were gone.

I was completely alone. Defeated, alone, homeless I had nothing.

Everything I stood for once didn't even exist in my crisis. My military status unexistence. I went to the VA for assistance. I was told nothing could be done. I started to sleep all day and night I had nothing.

Then I met an amazing lady, she was an attorney and her husband served in the Air Force. She took my case for free. I intern volunteered to work in her office to get some experience. I then began to volunteer at the crisis call center, the Community Aid for Abused women, and children. Somewhere in my defeat this women saw magic still in me and she brought it out. I became very successful from my military training. Training at the time I despided, making comments like how will this save us in the time of war. Now in my time of war, this training saved my life.

I started to apply for jobs. My trianing was not good enough for the bachalor degrees I was going up against. So I kept trying. I finally landed a job and began working I made magic happen. I have now been in stable houseing for 9 years. I have been extrmemly successful in my career, with federal employment for 7 years, I was able to buy back my military time and I now get to retire soon.

So I decided to defeat the defeated. Marching on in finding my joy.