Jun. 29, 2015

I have learned to soar at many different times of my life. It fades then a new light shines on me and I F.L.Y. once again...

Jun. 29, 2015

 First Love Yourself (F.L.Y.)

Learning to F.L.Y is just that FLYing. Flying is complicated it's mixed with fear, happiness, sadness, achievements, and failures. However without one you cannot have the other. As a child I remember dancing around the room, I thought I was flying. At times I really thought my feet never touched the ground. In those moments in my life I realized that positive things happened, memories of laughter, happiness and a-liveliness.

Then there were the times I faced some pretty hard turbulence or air pockets, they only lasted for a split second, however in my life it felt like they lasted forever. It seemed at times it would just have been easier coming in for a hard landing. In those moments it wasn't like I had stopped FLYing or had lost my focus on FLYing. It was just simply that I wasn't really soaring with the flying that I had participated in. There are no flying manuals or instruction books, so my flying is my pattern, my direction created by me.

Checklist and safety are the first and foremost important steps. What checklist am I responsible for in my life to allow myself happiness and joy? What steps have I taken to being safe? Who have I chosen to love and let in to be a part of my flight?  Taking flight with those who influence me in one way or another? To help me, direct and FLY without destruction.  Slowly I begn to see what others see in myself, it encourages me to become who I want be. It helps me to focus on a larger picture than the short snap-shots of my life.

I, at times hated who I was or what I had become. Take for instance a veteran. While serving in the military people respected what I was, who I was. Now that I am a veteran, honorablely discharge, my purpose in the US has changed, including places I choose to eat. It is almost embarrassing to inform people that I am veteran, kind of shameful. In reality no veteran should ever be ashamed of putting their lives on the line. But, as society I have been faced with challenges to accept the fact that females don’t have the glory of being a part of something so empowering. (However people, we are living in the years of 2000 when did we time warp back to where women had to fight for their true right)?

Other times I have fallen short of FLYing, existed after being sexually assaulted. How could anyone see me for what I am worth when I am damaged and broken? There are so many prejudgments about sexual assaults. How could I ever come forth and tell my story? “She must of wanted it, or it was what she was wearing, my favorite was she drunk?” all echoes of what circulates around when sexual assault is spoken about. Well my story does not contain any of those foul ideas, of who I was or a part of my life. In any of the sexual assaults that occurred, and I am not ashamed of sharing my story.

My fear that came from my sexual assaults is that I am not clean enough to be a daughter of heavenly father. I had dirted my life with premarital sex. Sex that was not my choice, sex that was not part of my decision, after the first assault I was so angry at god for allowing this to happen. I had followed his plan, I wanted a successful life, and I felt robbed of that. After moving to Fort Campbell and the second assaulted happened by a three men, who had to drug me to have sex because I was not drinking, I then blamed myself. I felt like it was meant for me to be a whore, a dirty person. I hated myself, I hated being tall, I hated being pretty, I hated for looking perfect. I hated the fact that Army had to hide the facts of my sexual assault to cover there imperfections. Sweep it under the rug, then it never existed. My blood work came back that I wasn't drunk, but the fact that I had three times the amount of the date rape pill in my system. So there for since it never happened the test results were not important. 

I hid myself from life, from myself, from others. I occupied my extra time in trying everything I could do to erase me from the picture. If I ran, I ran a little harder, didn’t eat, I didn't interact with others around me. I didn't speak, then no one would notice me. Then there was the fact that I had the fear of dying. Shit if I died god wouldn’t want me. I feared everything!

However slowly I met an amazing man who showed me what it felt like to be loved, to give love. I could not believe how patient he was. My life mattered, not just to him but I started to mattered to me. I flew higher than anyone could soar. Then life happened and we went our own ways, but I am constantly reminded of his love for me and what I felt for him. I am not ashamed of who I was, who we were. I wasn’t ashamed of being in love or being loved.

Then my ex-husband entered in my life. Yup another air pocket, I was not ashamed of the relationship I was ashamed of who I was in the relationship, I had to go back to hiding. I didn’t want to exist. My military status was taken from me, we moved and I left my heart in Tennessee, my husband didn’t care, we had to live his dreams, we had to live his lies. I didn’t matter, I didn’t want to FLY. After the divorce, I really did just let go. If I flew it wasn’t really far off the ground at all. I lost everything. I gave up my life to a man who was so selfish that I gave up on myself. I lost my house, I lost my pride, I lost my family, my friends, my job I lost everything for a man who doesn’t even love himself, so how could I love myself?

With all of this in the past, sure I still struggle to glide higher than before. However in the learning manual I created off of these experiences. I found the title of, "love is patient love is kind." I really looked at it and used it towards myself. I am learning to love myself first. I care more deeply, I now know what it is like to laugh and really enjoy the feeling. So when the turbulence is rocky, I look at the tattoo on my shoulder that reminds me to FLY…